Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Weird Business

Remind me to stay out of the furniture business. The commercials are...unsettling. Which is weirder?

Option A:

Option B:

A is catchier, I'll give it that, but B does so much for race relations in America ("And Hispanic people, too!").

Let's get a little poll going. Provided you couldn't make it on to Price is Right to score yourself a free dinette set where would you rather buy one for yourself? Flea Market Montgomery or The Red House?

Monday, April 27, 2009

Memory Lane Monday #7

So this is a total cop out, I admit it, but I've been making up for lost time by blogging like a maniac and my creativity is pretty much dried up. I think this MLM would be appropriate anywhere, anytime, and I don't feel bad that I just posted this song a few days ago:

Theme song to The Golden Girls

Come to think of it I have no idea who sings this song. Whoever it is, I hope they earned a Grammy for it. And an Emmy and Oscar and Cable Ace award and whatever the bloody hell else awards are given nowadays.

Here is the description of the video from YouTube, which I found accurate and amusing:

About an old sicialian, a high school english teacher, a nieve, and a slut live together as roomates in a house in Miami Flordia. Starring Bea Arthur, Betty White, Rue McClanahan, and Estelle Getty.

Oh Blanche, you will always known as The Slutty One to the world. I wonder if the actress, Rue McClanahan, gets stopped on the street today - she is 75 years old - and people say "Oh I loved you - you were such a slut!" She must be so satisfied with how her career turned out.

Like I said before, this is hands down the best TV show theme song I can think of. Can we think of any others that even come remotely close? The Fresh Prince of Bel Air is all I got...and that's light years behind the sweet, sweet Golden Girls. Now who wants cheesecake?

Copenhagen, Denmark - Favorite Pic

Martin's 95-year-old great aunt, let me repeat that - ninety five years of age - decided she wanted to take me and Martin's mom to Copenhagen for the weekend. Ladies weekend, woot woot! And she wanted to drive the 6 hours each way it takes to get there (side note: the 95 year old wasn't the one driving).

Free trip to Copenhagen, you say? Count me in. Ninety-five year old woman who speaks zero English that I can only communicate with in Norwegian, you say? Oy...that's a little scarier.

But I am proud to report that I "am awesome" and "speak really good Norwegian" and the weekend went off without me swearing off the Norwegian language forever. Good confidence booster, too! :)

Take a look at this beautiful harbor pic. If you ever have to decide between visiting Oslo and visiting Copenhagen, for the love of God do yourself a favor and get thyself to Denmark!

USA - Favorite Pic

Whenever I go somewhere I deem awesome I will add my single favorite picture here, with a little explanation of why it rules.

Here we go for my Easter business trip/vacation to Grand Forks, ND, USA. My trip included many a journey around ND and MN, and this particular pic was taken in my favorite hotel ever - the C'Mon Inn in Fargo, ND, USA.

2 things I want you to know about me: I love my cousin (closest thing to a bro I will ever get) and I love State Fairs, particularly North Dakota's, the only one I've ever been to. And increasingly I love the game Apples to Apples. And I love the hot tubs at C'Mon Inn and the Asti my family drinks out of plastic cups there. So this picture pretty much sums up all the best things in the world. Stuff I love.

Naughty Girl

Not surprisingly by the name of this blog I found myself still at work at 5:30 p.m....exactly when my Norwegian class starts on Monday nights. I took it upon myself to declare it, uhh, a vacation day and went straight home.

I thought "if I'm already naughty by taking an (uhh...) vacation day from class why not add to the deviance and eat something totally unhealthy, totally heart stopping - totally American - for dinner"? And this is what I came up with:

Kraft mac & cheese! Kraft mac & cheese! Kraft mac & cheese! In my opinion totally worth the early grave it will surely put me in. The color is blinding! Gotta love it.

It's nothing short of a miracle (or testament to my terrible memory) that I haven't yet eaten a bag since I've been back over the past 2 weeks. Note I say "bag", not box. Here is a clever tidbit of advice given to me by my boss, who has been subsisting on Norwegian variety with an American pallet for the past 2 decades: save your luggage weight and space by smuggling only the cheese packet. The macaroni is easily and cheaply available in Norway.

A huge bag of macaroni cost me 13 kroner (under $2) and didn't cost me so much as an ounce or inch of luggage allowance. The cheese packets were removed from full boxes of mac & cheese and left in the U.S. (Sara: enjoy). Just add a 1/4 cup of butter and 1/4 cup of milk (I think, I guessed those were the right amounts but wound up dumping about 1/4 of the butter I added). I have 11 servings left before my next American goods smuggling trip in July! Can they all be eaten by then?! Absolutely not...what kind of hog do you think I am?

Here is a shot of all my precious, precious loot:

That's a lot 'o mac & cheese [packets]!

As a believer in irony I should mention I sat down to eat this meal in front of the tube (of course) and Oprah was hosting overweight teens. Like, super overweight teens. Like, age 16 and weighs 375 pounds overweight. Yikes! So in their honor, and the sake of seeing my 50th birthday, I gladly trashed 1/4 (if not a little more) of the finished product. The other 3/4 was dumped...straight into my belly!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Thank You for Being a Friend, Bea

I woke up to sad news today. Bea Arthur has died. :(

To put this mildly: Bea Arthur kicked ass. I know her mostly from her fine, fine work on The Golden Girls but she had a career long before I was even born.

How I do not own the boxed sets of Golden Girls yet I do not know. But I will one day for sure! In honor of Mrs. Dorothy (Petrillo) Zbornak Hollingsworth I present to you what I consider to be, without a doubt, the best opening credits song of any show, ever:

The world will always love you, Pussycat.

The Giver

'Tis better to give than receive, isn't that how the saying goes? I have discovered something hidden deep inside me. Something terrifying. Something I'm scared to even admit. I'm as surprised as anyone: I really enjoy buying/wrapping baby gifts. And (if I may say so) I am good at it. Yikes!

Exhibit A:

Baby bottle tower. The paper is all that was available to me, so this could've been better than it turned out to be. But I still like it. This is 6 individually wrapped baby bottles, taped together to form a tower (or using a little imagination, a cake).

Exhibit B (full frontal view):

Gift card set. 3 envelopes: 1 for "mama bear", 1 for "papa bear" and 1 for "baby bear", a.k.a. big 'ol question mark (sex of baby unknown). These are tied together at the upper left hand corner with the orange ribbon but spread out for your viewing pleasure. Mama Bear's envelope contains a gift card to Victoria's Secret, Baby Bear's contains a gift card to Gymboree and Papa Bear's has a gift card to Happy Harry's, booze warehouse extraordinaire.

Here's the back view:

I have to get some props for my creativity so my name is in CAPS. Along with some straight-from-Dora-activity-book stickers. Don't you just love it?!

I did not actively seek (but totally wanted) to win title of "most creative gift" for Exhibit B and I did, according to Mr. & Mrs. Bear. Hooray for me!

An etiquette note: The bottles in Exhibit A came from the registry. The gift cards in Exhibit B I know are useful. I wouldn't dream of giving unnecessary/unusable/off-registry items. I am trying not to piss off the gift gods, lest I be stuck with hand crouched oven mitts or awkward religious wall hangings one day in the future.

I'm looking for a little ego stroking here. These are cute, no?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Memory Lane Monday #7

Excuse the 2-week MLM absence. I've been in the U.S. so bugger off, as the Brits say. More on this related topic later.

So 10 years ago today Columbine happened. It's unfortunate that I say that word and you know exactly what I mean. I remember exactly where I was when I heard, and I remember watching the TV coverage of it. And being the selfish little prick that I am I can't help but think, "my God, it was ten years ago that I was a sophomore in high school". So to lighten the mood I took a gander at the Billboard Hot 100 to see what tickles my fancy from that terrible day, a whole decade ago, and I came up with this:

"...Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears

Oh, yes, the irony of it all. Ten years ago I hated this song and I hated this girl. But I shan't tell a lie in my old age; the tune is catchy!

I also get a smile at the days of yore when Brit-Brit (as I've come to call her) was fit and trim the old fashioned way: Through back breaking workouts forced upon her by overzealous parents. Even though people say today she's "back" (which I do not believe for a second) we all know that girl is a jar of mayonnaise and a missed lipo appointment from going back to the trailer park where she's been residing this past half decade.

But back in 1999 she was fresh and 16 and just oozing with that jail bait je ne se qua. Note the subtle but meaningful boobie shake at 0:53. You can almost see American youth culture instantaneously crumble into nothingness, gone and lost forever. Thanks, Brit-Brit!

As I reflect on what I have done with myself since April 20, 1999 (hint: some pretty baller stuff) ask yourselves this: How was I, a mere mortal, able to resist the Snoop Dog classic "Smoke Weed Everyday" as my MLM? The world is a cruel place. We may never know.