Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Super Freaky - Update

Unsolved Mysteries has been on TV a lot lately and, while scaring the bejesus out of me, my favorite favorite favorite episodes are the ones with updates where years later they solve the mystery. So Robert Stack's monotone voice has convinced me to offer you an update on my mother's super creepy head cut-out.

As I suspected it came from my mom's retirement party. When I was talking to my dad on the phone for Old Man's Day I inquired about it and he had totally forgotten that he sent it. When I described it enough for him to remember sent me the horrifying explanation of where it came from:

T-shirts were made and corresponding head photos were placed atop the shirts, ever so fashionably. From left to right: Mrs. Abrahamson ("Mrs. Abey-canabey" - love that woman!), my ma, Mrs. Longtin, Mrs. Lacoste and Mrs. Patton.

Only in my nightmares can I imagine what happened to the 4 other heads. Can I just say, for all you Walhalla people out there, what I would give to own that Mrs. Lacoste head?! That woman has been scaring the pants off children since literally the 1940's. Perhaps we could line her chicken coops with it? She might like that.

I have decided how to dispose of my head. I'm bringing it back home to mommy and letting her get rid of it. Dad said she had it in the garbage before he retrieved it and, uhh, "gifted" it to me. So I'll let her do the dirty deed and wash my hands of it!

Parenting - Am I Ready?

Every fiber of my being screams "Sweet mother of Christ, NO!" but this little fella...

...makes me wonder.

Memory Lane Monday #8

Nobody will notice this wasn't done on Monday, right? But it's harder to conceal the fact that I haven't done a MLM in a super long time. I think with the recent sad events an MJ MLM is inevitable. With no introduction needed, I bring you this weeks selection:


Black or White by Michael Jackson

(Sorry I've only got a link for you. Some asshat has gone and disabled all the embed codes for all Michael Jackson videos.)

The beginning of this video is cut off, as it doesn't show the Cheers guy screaming at Macaulay Culkin to "turn that racket down". This video is star studded! More on that in a minute...

This is the first Michael Jackson song I ever remember hearing. I didn't have older siblings to show me the way and my parents weren't big into popular music, so I had to stumble onto Michael on my own time. Coming from Wonder Bread-white North Dakota this was a bit of a cultural experience for me. Africans! Indians (dot and feather)! Russians! Oh my.

I really love the part of the song where Macaulay Culkin raps about racial equality. It's dripping with early 90's bad taste and, coupled with the urban backdrop, reminds me of the highlight of my youth: Ghostwriter. Am I right?


Another favorite of mine is how a fat Asian dude turns into Tyra Banks. Do you think when Michael cast this video he knew the pretty little runway model would turn into the world's biggest egocentric, inflated-sense-of-self bizzo the world has ever seen?

Yikes. That rabid ego (and super shitty/random favorite playing) turned me off of my beloved ANTM.

In closing, the world has lost a fine musician. Sure, he was, shall we say, eccentric, but being different never impeded anyones ability to kick ass. If you were forced into stardom at the age of 6 you'd be strange, too, I'm willing to bet. I'm just mad I'll never get to go to one of his concerts. I am not a concert goer but that's one of the very, very few I'd attend, much less pay for. My opportunity is now gone. :(

And Mr. Jackson's rags-to-riches story is the reason I so dearly love my homeland of USA. Where else could a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman?


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Go Away!

I bet I'm one of the few non-albino people on Earth who really dislikes the sun. What has it ever done for mankind? Give us skin cancer, get in our eyes when we're driving, make us sweaty, the list could go on. I'll casually ignore the fact that its existence allows us to live on this planet and state a widely held human belief: The sun has no business being up at 3 a.m. Yet here in the "land of the midnight sun" it's visible pretty much 24 hours per day at this time of year...which I give two thumbs down!

This photo was taken about midnight. I speak on behalf of sleep lovers the world over, please Mr. Sun, just go away between the hours of 11 p.m. and 6 a.m. and let my natural sleep cycle go unmolested by your always-in-your-face presence.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Super Freaky

Warning: What I'm about to show you is seriously disturbing and may not be appropriate for all audiences. I'm warning you. It's pretty disturbing.

It is a life sized cut out of a close-up of my mothers face. Let me repeat that: a life sized cut out of a close-up of my mothers face. What. The. Hell.

My dad sent me my monthly stack of Walhalla Mountaineers and in between the papers was this seriously creepy life sized cut out of a close-up of my mothers face! In broad daylight it freaked me the hell out.

I was home alone at the time (adding to the creepy-ness) so I thought to myself, "hmm, how best to show Martin the new portrait of my mom?" And an evil idea popped into my head...

Behold, what Martin woke up to this morning (sans glasses):

Shower ConBon! I knew this would freak him out, as it did to me! I was expecting him to scream but he kept his hair-whitening fear silent. But it did scare him, as evidenced by the note he left on the back of it:

Very funny.
I almost shit my shorts!
-Love you

It's pretty big of him to still love me after that (hilarious, I might add) stunt I pulled on him. Imagine finding this thing in the shower (a very vulnerable place, as Psycho taught us) mere seconds after you've woken up?! *shutter*

This thing seriously gives me the heebie jeebies and I don't know why. I'm guessing my dad got it from a display at my mom's retirement party. And for some reason thought I needed it.

But what do I do with it? I can't throw it away...it's my mother for crying out loud! I'm taking suggestions of what should be done with the ConBon close-up. Ehh...donate it to charity, maybe?

May The Force Be With You

I've always thought my absolute #1 dream job would be a regular cast member on Saturday Night Live. But after rewatching this for roughly the 40th time I'm amending that a little. I desperately want to be an "insult comic", like this little mutt Triumph.

I have been an avid (rabid?) Conan fan since about 1997. Like, publicly-celebrating-his-birthday rabid. Yikes. So I remember seeing this tasty gem when it first broadcast in the early 00's, and am proud to admit I rewatch it a few times per year just to keep the magic alive. It is that good.

If you have never seen this before shame on you. Here is the greatest Conan sketch (possibly the greatest few minutes of TV) of all time in 2 parts:

Here are a few of my favorite tidbits from that sketch:

"These are lonely men, who have never had sex. Not even with a Catholic priest."

"What are the Jedi knight principles?" *hears responses* "And to eat a lot of peanut M&M's"

To pregnant woman: "Wow. That's the last time he'll ever see female genitalia."

And tied for my favorite:

Spoken to the Lord of the Ring nerd, Blackworth the Drrragon Master, "And don't you forget to finish your Filet-o-Fish."

Spoken to Darth Vader himself, "Which of these buttons calls your parents to pick you up?"

There aren't even words for how freaking hilarious that was. Conan, I bow down before thee. If you're ever in the market for an insult comic, please, hire me!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Berlin, Germany - Favorite Pic

I'm no history buff but I know important monuments when I see them. This is me with the teeny tiny part of what's still standing of the Berlin Wall. Can you believe people would get shot for trying to cross this wall and get out of the Commie infested east side of Berlin? My motto: The hallmark of a crappy place is when they shoot you if you try to leave. That is a level of suck unknown to most Americans. Thankfully!

Not going to lie, I like this pic so much because I look pretty skinny (by my standards) in it. Ladies, regardless of your size, skinny jeans are your friend. Love them!

To sum up Berlin in 4 words: Texans, Humid, Technologically Unadvanced. Not sure if unadvanced is even a word (my word making up has increased 100-fold in the past few weeks) but it's fitting here. I'm glad I went, though. This place was ground zero during WWII (well, besides Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but I'm not being literal). So much history!