Saturday, February 25, 2012

Do You See What I See?

Alright, enough already with the daily play-by-plays. If I continue down that path it will quickly devolve in to the detailed findings of my scouring the internet for crockpot recipes and rants about the hipsters I see. Not a pretty sight. So I will take a step back to offer you all a broader view of my daily goings on. Musings, one might call it, if one were a ridiculously dressed hipster douche who really should lay off the ink because some day one might actually wish to hold down a job.

So! First impressions of Australia: Humid; urban; expensive. Though I can't extrapolate my findings to the wider Australian population, this is how I have found Brisbane to be thus far (except for the expensive part, this is an island after all so we're reaching Norway-level prices).

Here is a short list of things we have seen over the past 3.5 days of being here:

- A deceased, red cockroach lying on its back
I did not know they came in different colors

- An open home pregnancy test box in a mall bathroom
Unfortunately I didn't get to see the actual pee stick so I am now forced to live in suspense forever, which is really upsetting. Was it positive or negative?! Why was it taken in a mall?! Should we really trust women to have control over their own reproductive systems?! So many questions left unanswered. They will weigh on my mind for eternity.

- Kangaroo meat in a grocery store
Yay, it is easily accessible! I was worried that eating-kangaroo-is-totally-normal was an urban legend, like "the call is coming from inside the house" or Rick Santorum's heterosexuality.

- Parrots in the wild
Holy crap! I've only ever seen them as pets and in cages so I was surprised to see that they are actual wild animals. I don't know where the hell I expected them to come from, like parrots were created in a lab for the sole purpose of human companionship. I realize this makes me a sheltered idiot but I really get a kick out of seeing them in the wild, living a normal bird life. Well, not a normal bird life but rather a dignified bird life. I have yet to see a parrot trolling the gutter for french fries like the rest of their species.

- The absolute most shockingly huge produce in the world
GARGANTUAN is the only word I can use to explain the fruits and vegetables here. Avocados the size of a newborns head. Celery the length of my elbow to fingertips. Peaches the size of a Magic 8 Ball (the fortune telling kind, not the narcotic kind). A few examples, using my face for comparison purposes. A huge-ass lettuce:

And a huge-ass sweet potato:

Isn't Australia great for my look? I'm sweaty, sunburned and posing with an edible phallus. I have never been more glamorous. Somebody alert Robin Leach (provided he is still alive).

I wonder if you still need to eat "5 a day" when the produce is so big? If you do you might be the first person in history to get fat from eating a zero calorie food. It's taking quite some time for me to get over just how big it is.

- The healthiest, happiest most satisfied looking pigeons (and bums) I have ever seen
Literally, the pigeons glisten. They are actually attractive. They don't look like they have mange. I don't know what it is they are eating but, like the parrots, the pigeons must be living a dignified bird life because they don't look like disgusting rats with wings like they do everywhere else in the world.

The same goes for the bums on the street (of which they are very few). They seem cheerful and smiling, and usually have a great pair of tan, muscular legs. They don't look too different from surfer dudes, the only difference being bums are missing a tiny logo on the breast pocket of their flannel shirt to indicate the price point of the garment. Otherwise, they're virtually identical.

And finally:

-The genuinely most friendly, laid back people I have ever encountered
When talking with a rental agency on the phone a woman actually said "shit yeah" in response to a question I had. On a business phone call at her job. I suspect this woman had boundary issues (and/or diarrhea of the mouth) but on the whole people don't seem to be so uptight and formal about things. I'm not saying they're unprofessional or incompetent, they just get the job done without a stick up their ass.

Initially I thought that people really liked us because of how well we were treated. But then it struck me that they probably don't give a fat turd about us personally, they're just really, really friendly to everyone they encounter.

Hey, I'll take that. I think this is going to be an awesome two years.

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